What We're NOT Learning

There are only so many days in our school year (180 to be exact) and in an effort to focus on what is truly important, we'll have to skip some of the usual school subjects. Here is what we're NOT learning this year:

Physical Education: My kids will NOT be playing Slap Tag this year. In this exciting game, one female player dares another female player to run past a male player and slap him on the behind. Traditionally, the game ends with a gang of boys chasing a gang of girls, screaming "Pervs!"

Social Studies: We will NOT be playing He Said She Said. This is a game where one female player reveals a crush on a male player, but makes her friends SWEAR not to tell. The friends keep the secret until lunchtime, when they approach the male player in the cafeteria and "accidentally" reveal it. Regardless of his actual feelings, the boy is required to exclaim "Gross!" and pretend to throw up. No one wins this game.

Math: We will NOT learn Friend Addition and Subtraction. This lesson has many variations, but it almost always ends with a small group of girls visiting the Principal's office to explain why another girl is crying. Some say this is a valuable lesson that kids need to learn in order to prepare them for the "real world." I say that parents should be teaching an alternate lesson: How Not to Arbitrarily Reject a Girl You've Played With Since Kindergarten Just Because Your New Friend Says She's Weird. As long as parents neglect this crucial lesson (also known as Kindness) society will continue to believe that bullying is a necessary part of the "real world."

Language arts: We will NOT be studying Hateful Vocabulary, Words My Dad Says While Driving, or Teenage Sister Vernacular.

Science: We will NOT learn about the effects of seven-hour school days on seven-year-olds. Nor will we study the effect that replacing Family Time with Homework Time has on the human psyche.

There are so many lessons to learn, but I simply have to be realistic and use the time we have to cover the topics that will benefit my kids the most. Math Concepts, Grammar and Punctuation, Creative Writing, World History, Music, Art, Life Science, and Physical Science will just have to suffice.